| well! |
[Nov. 17th, 2008|08:16 pm] |
well, after the spectacularly inappropriate venting post last week, and the probable destruction of as many as four friendships as a result.. well there really isn't an end to that sentence.
Lost one friend for certain.. for good.. not sure how :( upset him, sure, but deletion on facebook is a henious and pointed gesture. What is it with me and placing all my trust in small blonde boys with fluffy hair. There seems to be a trend between that and getting the shit kicked out of me. Made a new friend though.. or renewed an old acquaintance, i'm not sure which it would count as. Cried a lot, drank a lot. Went batshit insane at 3 in the morning and cut half my hair off.. Apparently I'm not the same person any more. I'm sure a lot of people think that, but finally the person who kept telling me that I hadn't.. has changed his mind. 'you've changed so much it scares me. you're not a roberta any more. i dont know what you are but you're not a roberta. you've given up, you don't care any more. you're not a roberta'
not a roberta. don't really care. roberta wasn't very happy.. she was obviously pretty okay though, because all people will do these days is compare me to her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2008|07:06 pm] |
Dear Mr Cooper, In response to your letter dated 20th March ’08, I would just like to say that I somehow highly doubt that you have read the letter you kindly sent to me two days before Easter, judging from your cordial behaviour to me since. In addition to this I protest that I do not believe I have been given a first notice regarding attendance; I have been yellow-slipped (three times by the same teacher in the space of six weeks which rings alarm bells in my mind at least) for issues regarding homework; my mother and I have both contacted the college since then with valid points in my defence and they have not been acknowledged – in fact I suspect the teacher in question has not even been informed of the complaint. My absences in the past three weeks have been a result of a concussion swiftly followed by a hairline fracture in my wrist – both unfortunate, one might go so far as to say careless, but not my fault. My general absence and lack of commitment to studies is a result of ongoing personal issues which I have no particular desire to discuss at this time and which have been breezily overlooked again and again by my tutor. Though there is obviously no law demanding that every teacher should be found to be well-versed in the inner workings of a teenage girl’s mind, it is remarkable to me that somebody could progress so far in life, and an English teacher no less, without having a reasonable grasp of paralinguistics, let alone simple linguistics. Obviously you must proceed as you see fit, Although I would not presume to suggest that I would be better than Orpington College staff at doing their job, it is hard to see how I could be worse, as I at least would take, if not a wholly humanistic approach, then an approach which at least acknowledges the fact that its clientele are, in general, human.
Shove it up your arse Yours respectfully,
Roberta Parry
done and done *nods* |
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| Life-Lines - Alison, Steve, RYL and Oil Pastels |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|09:22 pm] |
My mental slide:
MONDAY: Ramblings. Pain. Obsessive amounts of time spent weaving grass haloes TUESDAY: Blessed relief. Told Alison. 'Nuff said. WEDNESDAY: Obsessive amounts of time spent with Alison. Rest of time spent thinking about Alison and getting over it the M-H way. THURSDAY: Too much time spent with Alva. Not obsessive, but too much time. Not enough time spent with Alison. Therefore FRIDAY: Ran out of the room, was chased down corridor by Keith Macglennon. Told him to shove his lesson up his bottom. Verbatim. Obsessive amounts of time spent with Alison, then Steve. Possible hypoglycemia brought on by stress => an appointment with Nurse Phil next week. Nurse Phil. Ahahahaha SATURDAY AND PROBABLY SUNDAY: unhealthily obsessive amounts of time spent on RYL and drawing and oil-pastelling anime characters.
This is just because nobody my own age seems to be prepared to listen. Except one. But he's on prozac. I'm not messing him up with this.
What Alison does is make me cry. Sounds good, doesn't it? But bearing in mind some idiot called Sarah who insisted on talking to me for 45 minutes got quite annoyed that instead of crying I sat dead still for the full 45 minutes grinning awkwardly and the only word I spoke was for Alison's benefit (touche), crying can be a pretty big thing for me.
And I don't know why no-one will listen. The signals are there. Don't tell me every single person needs a bloody graduate degree in Psychology to understand the most basic and urgent and deliberate of teenage signals? In Keith Macglennon's case, even that doesn't seem to help. Of course, I say no-one will listen. There's only one person I call a friend who I've even tried to open up to, and much good it did me. But then, it never does, and yet I'll still attempt to take up his offer of always being there for me next time! But then that just makes it all the sweeter when someone does listen and believe me and tell me it's not my fault (which is what I hang around Alison for, I'm ashamed to say) |
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| oh my fucking god |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|08:54 pm] |
BLOGSPOT 30th JULY 2005 - 21:27 'nd reasons that im not going to post on a blog - im just not going to bromley, like, ever again, yes m'dear noone, your humble writer has learned a life lesson WOOHOO i dont know if its a big problem yet well im not saying anything there are like 2 people in the universe who will gfet what this is about, but its important cos blogs are more for dates than anything else for me, in a weeks time ill be able to pinpoint the time that i was thinking about THIS THING THATS BEEN GOING ON and generally like yknow, whatever etcetcetcetc '
Me wearing my stiff upper lip age 15. Eternal tribute for Luke - truly eternal as I have no idea what my blogspot password is! |
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| Ane Uppedate |
[Oct. 10th, 2007|07:32 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | luke - 2 years on | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | a little afraid | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | elton john - i guess that's why they call it the blues | ] |
Well. I told my tutor about Luke, properly. And now he won't look at me and I can't trust him and I need to find a new tutorly crutch. Well, fuck Alva. He only lasted about 3 weeks anyway. Alison saw me through from Octoberish to re-enrollment last year!
Regarding OTHER events of last week, I'm being philosophical :) Sometimes you just have to laugh Hysterically, but it still counts It DOES.
I wish Luke would stop hanging out with Martin! :s It confuses me -_- For those of you who don't know, Luke is an angry 41 year-old and Martin is a classmate. |
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| Oh NO |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|08:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hiding | ] | Oh God I don't care any more. I hate it all. Every last bit of it. Me. The world. It's not so bad, except for when it is. And the reason I'm currently directing a boatload of disgust at myself is because I've identified my main driving force as not guilt, but shame. Fear of Alva finding out just HOW scared I was of Luke two years ago. Fear of a scene in front of people. Fear of anyone finding out what I've just agreed to. Not fear of it all going wrong, everything, life, but of people finding out how badly it's all gone wrong. Which is also known as shame. God I'm such a born Catholic.. but a shit one, a genuinely shit one. Because somewhere along the way I lost God and can't find him again, and thought up until now-ish that I could consider myself vaguely religious if I just managed not to blaspheme, and to stick to my life the way it was - helping people no matter how much it hurt me (and regardless of whether or not they wanted help) But it's not enough, because I am.. I am a Poor Fish. And either I'm literally insane, saying things I don't remember expressing feelings that others can see in me that I didn't even know I'd ever experienced.. or everyone else is. My life is too surreal. That's why my head seems like the real universe - I can almost not care any more about what goes on beyond it. But my tutor betrayed me. What I said about Luke - which was nowhere near the whole of the truth anyway - I specifically said was non-disclosure. I used the phrase 4 times, having heard it months from John Bartlett and having clung to it desperately. And what did he do? He told Steve Cooper. What did I say to Steve Cooper? 'non-non-non-d-d-d-d-' So I can't blame HIM. Can't blame him for contacting the police. Asking everybody outside college if they knew a Roberta, yes, that's what he did, how FUCKING dare he, that's bad enough. Bribing 3 different people with drugs to find out where I was, that's something else entirely. I can't go in, not ever again. And someone, I think by this point I don't even need to name names, has told about 3 people that I told him to commit suicide. I believe my exact words were 'omg you are harsh' (in reference to a stupid English teacher)
You see what I mean, diary? Everything I do has such insane, far-reaching consequences. It's like pointing my finger at a milk carton a metre away and it falling over. In a non-Matilda way. |
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| I'm so fucked up |
[Sep. 6th, 2007|10:45 pm] |
shall i blame the rest of the world? i don't think i have the heart.
you know what's more fun than abject unhappiness? mornington crescent i think i've worked it out
it basically relies heavily on there being an audience there nobody wants to crack too soon with the audience watching.. so after your second or third time you plan to say mornington crescent and have to hope that nobody says it before it gets back round to you. you have to look relaxed/ as if you're just biding your time, so that the other contestants don't know you're planning to speak up, at the same time watching them carefully just before your go to decide whether or not THEY are planning to say it on THEIR next turn
hmmmm there has to be some sort of brilliant revolutionary drinking game in that.
you can tell I was concentrating on my coursework today! :P
hmm: a sudden thought
when you're young, unhappiness is the most mild form of discontent, it comes before sad and certainly before miserable. 'Jack is unhappy because he lost his ball' indicates that Jack is currently upset - he will be happy again as soon as he finds his ball or settles on a different activity. but as you get older the state of being unhappy becomes worse than the state of being miserable - it grows to express a long term problem - for a teacher to describe a young girl as 'sad' at Parent's Evening would always be accompanied by 'she always seems rather', but 'an unhappy child'; that grabs the attention - hints at social problems, work problems, maybe problems to come in later life. nobody prepares you for the part of growing up that you totally overlook at the time; the point at which it stops being ok to be unhappy |
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| no |
[Sep. 1st, 2007|02:59 pm] |
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Is that how pathetic I am? Don't wobble my universe, nobody has that right. Yesterday I was on a bus to Orpington, after waiting for nearly half an hour for a 61. I saw a friendly face, and suddenly I'd jumped off the bus and was running, but the friendly face had disappeared. I was able to choke it down, carry on to my destination and test the acidity of sand (which is in fact not particularly acidic at all), but it scares me because it makes me think that even when I'm feeling okay, I'm not. It's just me lying to myself. |
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| bastard :( |
[Aug. 29th, 2007|11:31 pm] |
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no, i'll show them
no leaving the house i'll get futurama tomorrow or the next day i could watch it forever and never have to leave my bedroom except for water from the bathroom i'd probably lose some weight as well 'fit and healthy' hmph i'll show them all toss down compliments like scraps from the table I DON'T CARE until everyone thinks I do when I get angry and they laugh even harder they wont even look until its too late
insane babbles who doesnt love THEM?? |
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| nonononononononono |
[Aug. 29th, 2007|10:18 pm] |
There I did my something stupid first step to freedom because I'm broken and nothing's okay :( And I HATE someone I literally now hate them, why can't they keep their great big nose OUT of my life they DON'T understand me that should be clear by now so WHY DO THEY THINK THEY CAN CONTROL ME?????????? Well, they won't, never again, now |
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